Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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