You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
