Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
