My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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