I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
being pregnant is like rehab
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
