i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I love you. Go after that dick
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
