My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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