also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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