So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
