Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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