I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
