There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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