I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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