Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
