nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
