hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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