Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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