she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
