Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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