That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
