i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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