so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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