Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
