Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
