I looked at my own cervix.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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