I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
