it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
is that a dick in a sweater?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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