1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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