did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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