Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
