If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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