My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Randomize
