My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
