I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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