final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
