I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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