Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
