remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
