Tell her she can't have a vagina
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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