Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
