I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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