i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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