The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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