Dude my mom stole all your condoms
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize