There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
