there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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