It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
