So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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