I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
