When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
