I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
