is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
