Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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