Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize