i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
