So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
