Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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