Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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