hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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