I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
